On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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