Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
