nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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