he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
