it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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