just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
