Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
