woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
