if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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