i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
