I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
