So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
