his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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