We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
