I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
