I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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