I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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