and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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