i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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