If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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