I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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