So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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