When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
