so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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