can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My cat gives me a boner
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
