Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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