Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i now understand why vodka
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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