take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i think im in europe. pls send help
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
