so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
