Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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