dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
