After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
