i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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