When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
