1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well you can't waste a boner
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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