Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
