I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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