When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
