Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
