I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i believe in u and ur pee
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
