for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
