remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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