Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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