Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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