I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?