You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.