No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.