I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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