there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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