True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize