Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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