I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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