Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
