I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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