you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Vodka?
Forever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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