It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
