It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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