Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
