Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
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decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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