i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
